Seasons {What's Going On With Me}

{I've had this blog post in draft mode for a week. I wrote it on Monday night and it has been sitting in my queue since. I am publishing this because I want my readers to know why I've been noticeably absent from here and Facebook, so I am sharing--and no, I won't be sharing every gory detail here. Thank you, sweet readers, who have reached out to me!}

Seasons. Love them or hate them, they are a very necessary part of our lives.

Spring.
Summer,
Fall.
Winter.

Each season is beautifully unique, each has their own inherent beauty, and each has their own flaws. Winter seems to drag on and summer is positively fleeting.

We are also lucky enough to have seasons in our own lives. Ups and downs, moments of sheer brilliance and joy and other times of utter grief and sadness.

I am finding myself in one of those less-than-desirable seasons at the moment.

I am turning 30 in April.

Shortly after my 30th birthday, I will be divorced.

It stings to type that, to acknowledge this source of immense pain for me, but I would be remiss if I didn't give a nod to my reality for the last three months.

Pretending like everything is okay does no justice to the situation at hand. Pretending only gets you so far. Pretending dulls the ache but it bubbles just below the surface, threatening to burst at any time--bringing a whole new burn.

So here I am. Winter is winding down here in New Jersey (#ohPLEASEspring), but I am finding myself in the depths of my own personal winter. But I am relishing in the joy, anticipation, and hope of knowing that my Spring is coming. Relief is coming, the sting will fade slowly, and I will be able to stand boldly in strength and knowledge that all things pass with time. That God helped carry me through it, and He will continue to do so.

For now, I am focusing inward. Bettering myself so I can be a better mother to Peyton, a better co-parent with Denny, a better daughter, sister, friend, and a better child of my awesome Creator. I still want to create, inspire, and develop a community of spirited, like-minded women. That fire is still burning, but I have to tone it down a bit to focus a bit more on me. You have to fill your cup before you can pour it out, right? My focus is 100% on healing, learning, and coming out on the other side of this with fresh eyes.

My mission in this space was to remain authentic--because I am not perfect.
I was not perfect in my marriage.
I am not a perfect mother.
I am perfectly imperfect.

I am a recovering perfectionist and this, right now, is probably the biggest gut-check--that no matter how hard we try, we can't have all our ducks in a row all. the. time. You can pretend all you want to, but that house of cards is going to come down eventually.

My house has folded. In every sense.

Life is the very definition of messy right now. My mom and stepdad have been gracious enough to welcome Peyton and me into their home until things quiet down and I can get back onto my feet, but that didn't come without its own period of adjustment. Schedules have been rearranged. We've had to acclimate to new routines. Money is tight. Our stuff is split between two houses. There are a lot of things coming up that will require some serious prayer and thought.

This has been hard. Immensely hard. But if we can't hope and anticipate with confidence that a new season is on its way--well, there's just not much we can do.

One chapter, one season, one story ends. Another begins.

This is my new perfectly imperfect story.