When my depression creeps back in, the signs are usually there. What sucks is that I am very good at being willfully ignorant and pretending they are not happening.
Act I.
One day I just decide I'm not going to take a shower that day. I'm exhausted at the end of the day. I've hit the snooze button on my alarm in the morning a few too many times. 'I'll do it tomorrow,' I think to myself, and drag myself either straight to bed or straight into getting myself ready for work and Peyton ready for school.
(Spoiler alert: I might not actually shower the next day, either, but I am juuuust highly functioning enough to know that a sister has got to work and showering is just one of those things that need to happen if you want to be respectable enough to keep your damn job.)
I'm too tired to go to the gym. It would be a waste of gas and time if I just drove there and walked on the treadmill for 20 minutes because I don't have any energy to do anything else.
I don't make the bed before I leave for the day. The next day, I just haphazardly throw the blanket over the mattress and call it good enough. See, I'm trying--I'm fine!
My limbs start to feel impossibly heavy. I am tired, so freaking impossibly tired.
I am forgetful. The brain fog is real. My routines, which I have painstakingly crafted and normally adhere strictly to in order to keep myself "on track," fall by the wayside.
What's for dinner? I don't know. I'm just going to wing it, but first I guess I should drag myself to the grocery store so we actually have something to cook.
I go to touch up a paint job in the kitchen. I use the wrong paint to touch it up and now I have to paint the entire wall all over again. I cry for two hours straight. It was a stupid mistake, and I am stupid for making it.
I started an Etsy shop! My creative juices were flowing not too long ago (back in February--a simpler time, apparently). I felt inspired. I bought SO MANY beads. I have photos of bracelets I need to edit and list...and I simply cannot be bothered. Now it feels overwhelming. It feels silly. There are so many other more talented jewelry designers out there, and I am kidding myself if I think I can have a full-time job AND sustainably do something creative that I actually enjoy doing.
I'm in the thick of my annual screenings for Lynch Syndrome. I made the appointments to see my general practitioner, dermatologist, OB/GYN, and gastroenterologist (Still fine, everyone! Nothing to see here! #ADULTING).
My dermatologist takes three biopsies my first visit. I still need four more, and she hasn't even finished my skin cancer exam. Two of those three initial biopsies require further excision. I hate myself for thinking all those tanning beds was a good idea at one point in my life. Now I am going to be a wrinkly old football soon with scars all over my body and maybe melanoma one day. AWESOME.
My gastroenterologist schedules an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. Whatever, I have to take a day off of work, but at least I'll lose a few pounds, take a great nap, and then wake up and eat a ridiculous meal. It'll be a great starting point if my energy ever comes back to go to the gym.
At the OB/GYN, I see the midwife who does my annual exam, but I have to make another appointment with the doctor for an endometrial biopsy. I ask for Xanax before I come in for the procedure because that shit hurts and "take an ibuprofen an hour before your appointment" does not cut it.
Oh yeah, and I need to go for more bloodwork and make another appointment for an ultrasound. You know, to check for all the cancer my body seems keen on never stopping once it starts. But my insurance may not cover it, so if they don't I guess I can either let it go another year or pay another bill I can't afford to have in order to get this stuff done (like a responsible adult would!).
Act II.
My four appointments suddenly bloom into 10+ appointments. But I have to do it because God forbid cancer starts growing in my body and I'm dumb enough to know that, at the very least, having the knowledge that I'm some sort of mutant gives me better prognostic outcomes than people that don't.
And somehow even that feels like a burden. But I go anyway.
I debate the benefits of going through with my complete hysterectomy sooner than I originally planned. That'll be fewer organs to worry about. I wonder if there are any other non-essential time-bomb organs I can dispose of early, because I am just so damn tired of dealing with it and checking in on my insides once a year to ask, "We're good, right? Everyone is happy in there? You aren't planning to go rogue on me any time soon?" I have an entire lifetime of this. It seems unfair. But then I remind myself that "unfair" is better used for people who actually DIE of cancer, and then I feel shame and guilty and selfish.
Don't I want to stay on top of this for my family's sake? Don't I? Yes, I do.
So I try to schedule my appointments at times that don't interfere with my work schedule, but that's hard and I do the best I can with lunch breaks or scheduling at the beginning and end of the day. I email my boss a list of times I'll be out, and he comes and asks if I'm okay. I smile and nod. "Just prevention!" I announce. I'm afraid I'll lose my job because of all of these appointments. I'll loose my health insurance. I won't be able to afford all these doctors' visits for the sake of prevention anymore.
Anxiety is a giant bitch because it fuels my depression. My depression makes it harder to recognize my anxiety for what it is. And so it goes.
I'm so tired.
My chest hurts sometimes.
My stomach and digestive system is a mess.
Is it cancer? Is my doctor going to tell me I have cancer after my colonoscopy? (Probably not.)
I go to therapy, even though paying another copay on top of all the other copays feels like a huge strain on my budget (Self care! Prioritizing taking care of my mental health! I'm still just fine, THANK YOU). I tell my therapist about all this.
"Do you smoke weed?" she asks.
"No," I answer.
"You probably should. And you COULD do it legally with your diagnosis."
She can't help me there, though. Because I am too chicken to see an actual psychiatrist because at some visceral level I am convinced that medical intervention on that scale isn't really THAT necessary. Prescribed medication, medicinal marijuana cards, trial and error of switching out one antidepressant for another--it seems TOO real. Am I that bad? Do I need to be told I NEED something to actually function effectively? Will it make me a zombie? Will it make me feel worse? What about all the other side effects? I KNOW there is no shame in medication, and I know I'm not doing my part to de-stigmatize a legitimate concern for millions of people (including me!), and yet.
So I talk to my therapist. I tell her I'll start taking CBD supplements. I tell her I'll meditate twice a day. I tell her I'll read the books she suggests. We talk about my anxiety and my perfectionism and my C-PTSD, and all of those unsavory issues. She tells me I have time management issues (I secretly call bullshit on this because when I am "on" I am the most efficient human being to grace this earth. And that's the damn tea, sis.). She tells me to focus on solutions and not my problems.
Act III.
And yet.
I barely remember to pop the CBD tablets I spent $60 on.
I checked the books she recommended out of the library. I've renewed them four times and they make a nice decoration to my nightstand because I haven't picked them up in weeks. I either fall asleep on them, or find myself rereading the same page over and over again because suddenly reading comprehension has completely escaped me. I've reached the library's renewal limit and I have to return them soon. I could simply return them, check them back out, and then start all over again--but that seems like so much work.
I'm lucky if I meditate once a week. Forget about twice a day. Who am I? The Dalai Lama?
My perfectionism isn't an issue right now because I am just in survival mode. Get me to tomorrow and that's just fine by me. Perfectionism be damned.
I laugh because I always think about how millennials are joked about as being snowflakes and are missing the whole "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" mentality of previous generations. We expect to be "given" things in life.
LOL.
What if pulling myself up by my bootstraps looks a whole lot like functioning every day even though my brain is screaming and resisting and physically hurting? Seems pretty bootstrappy to me. You know what I would like to be given? NATURALLY OCCURING SOLID FUCKING BRAIN CHEMISTRY.
I don't feel like much of a snowflake at all, because society tells us we need to grit our teeth and get through it at all costs--so that's exactly what I do.
So here I am. The initial signs were there, and now here is the apathy and that's how I know I am in the very thick of it.
I get up every day, I do enough to get by, and even that leaves me an exhausted heap at the end of the day. If I were to be 100% honest with myself, I do it because I HAVE to, not because I WANT to.
Well, isn't that scary as hell?
I know that healing is not a completely linear process. I know there is no snap of the fingers and I'll get to revel in a magically un-foggy brain. It does take a bit of facing the ugly bits first. And these ugly bits are U-G-L-Y. I am not proud of it. I am not trying to romanticize or otherwise make excuses for it. Depression and anxiety are god-awful mental health issues, and I wish it were different. I so desperately wish it were different. Sometimes that means accepting things you are reluctant to accept.
I am not infallible. Sucks, but it's true.
Walt is concerned. He suggests asking my therapist to point me in the direction of a provider who can talk over medicine and other options. He cares so much, which is wonderful to know someone is my court while it simultaneously makes me feel awful because I can barely tolerate myself; I can only imagine how I must seem to someone else. He just wants me to feel happy again.
Happy. What a concept.
--
If you are dealing with depression and anxiety--please stay. Hope is not lost. We need you here. Here are some resources to help you:
National Alliance on Mental Illness Helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration: 1-800-662-HELP
Wednesday, May 1, 2019
Wednesday, January 23, 2019
That Time I Went Whole 30: Days 15-21
We are moving right along! We are officially in the final stretch of our January Whole 30.
As per usual, stream of consciousness-style musings for your enjoyment:
Day 15 (Wednesday)
-Halfway there, baby!
-I am here to bring the guilt and admit that I committed a Whole 30 cardinal sin: I got on the scale yesterday. The lure of it, sitting there at the gym, was too strong to ignore. And guess what? I was NOT disappointed. The last time I weighed myself was last August and I've lost 15 pounds since. Certainly, I am not giving Whole 30 all the glory and credit for that, but I am appreciative of this step forward in the progress I am making in taking care of my health. I am feeling better, top to bottom, and to see a tangible reflection of it just confirms the fact and this is right and a good foundation to continue my progress.
-Today was the first day I threw together meals based simply on what was left in the fridge this morning and I am not excited about it. I hard boiled two eggs, but the rest was leftovers pieced into somewhat balanced meals and packed to go to work. I am missing enough fat today, though, and I worry the hunger at 3 PM might creep up on me. Looks like I'll be throwing down in the kitchen tonight to prepare for the rest of the week.
Day 16 (Thursday)
-I just planned my last full week of meals for the Whole 30 (days 21-27). Next meal plan/shopping trip I take will only consist of the last four days plus maybe also the entire bakery section of the grocery store. Just kidding. Maybe.
-In the meantime, I packed hard boiled eggs, radishes, and guacamole for breakfast this morning because I can't bring myself to cook anything else beyond dinner after work. Hoping on Sunday I can bang out some serious prep for next week.
-Oh, look. A lunch meeting at the office, and they ordered pizza. Fan-freaking-tastic.
-Only spent $150 at the grocery store today, but I am so preoccupied with food and the food that we CAN eat that I forgot things like paper towels and toilet paper. And cleaning stuff. Basically anything that is not food, so tack on another $25-$30 to make up for that.
-Not exactly Whole 30-related, but I am really bumming hard about how much less I am able to lift in the gym since my unintentional five-month hiatus. I've had Mike Matthews' book, Thinner Leaner Stronger, downloaded onto my Kindle for the last eight months or so, so I'm looking forward to digging into that and start consistently putting work in at the gym in February.
Day 17 (Friday)
-I have become acutely aware that I need another link removed from my watch. Non-scale victory success!
-I've been filling in my coworkers on my progress throughout the Whole 30, and one of them commented on my lunch today: "I see you've been sticking with this, but I'm wondering for how much longer because you SEEM to be enjoying it, but I can almost hear you screaming internally." Well then. Challenge accepted.
-Someone else at work asked how much weight I've lost since it's apparently noticeable. Another non-scale victory!
-I am taking the girls bowling tonight. Resisting temptation by packing a snack and eating it right before I leave work so I can withstand the pressure of gross bowling alley pizza until I get home to my safe space and beloved tupperware full of compliant foods.
Day 18 (Saturday)
-Today I have cooked three impressive meals. There are so many dishes its exhausting.
-I find it easier to make sure I am getting all my meals in on weekdays. There's just something about packing breakfast and lunch and timing my meals to break up the monotony of the work day that makes it so much easier. Weekends are much harder for me because they are anything BUT monotonous. I didn't eat anything until 2:30 PM today and by the end of preparing lunch I swear the kitchen was starting to tilt sideways. Lesson learned.
-Homemade mayo and ranch dressing happened again today. I have a new respect for mayonnaise--I'm usually totally grossed out by it, but I can use it in so many different ways! AND IT'S SO EASY TO MAKE YOU GUYS.
-I made couscous for the girls to go with dinner tonight and didn't even miss it that much.
Day 19 (Sunday)
-I am supposed to be in the thick of "Tiger Blood," but I spent the majority of my day on the couch, buried under blankets, reading. Maybe it was the rain earlier in the day, maybe it was the fact that it felt like it was -19 degrees outside, but I felt blah and unmotivated until about 4 PM when I finally peeled myself from the couch and decided to be a productive human being.
-I had so much energy last Friday. Is this the equivalent to peaking in high school? TOO SOON.
-Bleeding in the kitchen is happening a lot less frequently now compared to the first week, thanks to my improving knife skills. #ninja
-Feeling extra appreciative for this Whole 30 round because I am creating meals I never in a million years would have attempted before. Last night I made roasted lamb chops. Lamb, in my family, was a once-a-year thing that was reserved only for holidays or special occasions. Making it on a random Sunday felt special. I dig it. Also, Peyton said it was delicious. And then 10 minutes later she told me it was disgusting so I don't know what to believe.
Day 20 (Monday)
-One of my project managers and fellow beer snobs brought me the fruit of his Boston travels (a can of Green IPA from Tree House Brewing Company, HEART EYES) over the weekend with strict instructions that it is for AFTER Whole 30. It now is residing in my refrigerator, waiting for its big moment.
-Walt and I take turns sending each other photos of beautiful, compliant meals we make at home while the other person is sitting at work eating prepped food from sad (but still beloved) tupperware. We are both very pleased with ourselves. Also we are that annoying couple now, aren't we? Whatever. I'm not sorry.
-We have our first non-Whole 30 meal planned...which will actually be on Day 32. We are carrying out this little experiment an extra day so we can enjoy burgers and beers together next Friday when Walt gets done work.
Day 21 (Tuesday)
-Apples are delicious. Who knew?
-I can't believe our Whole 30 will be done by the end of next week. Time went so slowly at first and now I can only assume my body has depleted itself completely of sugar and time is moving as it is supposed to again.
-A giant zit appeared on my face. I made it three weeks with beautiful, glowy Whole 30 skin and I get strapped with a giant cyst on my face in the final lap. Lame.
-I went to the gym at 8:30 last night and again at 5:30 this morning. Tiger blood, is that you?
-The question that keeps getting floated is whether or not I am transitioning everyone to a healthy diet of Hungry Man TV dinners when this is all said and done with. The lack of clean-up and dish-washing seem very appealing.
Go back:
Prep
Day 1
Day 2
Days 3-7
Day 8-14
As per usual, stream of consciousness-style musings for your enjoyment:
Day 15 (Wednesday)
-Halfway there, baby!
-I am here to bring the guilt and admit that I committed a Whole 30 cardinal sin: I got on the scale yesterday. The lure of it, sitting there at the gym, was too strong to ignore. And guess what? I was NOT disappointed. The last time I weighed myself was last August and I've lost 15 pounds since. Certainly, I am not giving Whole 30 all the glory and credit for that, but I am appreciative of this step forward in the progress I am making in taking care of my health. I am feeling better, top to bottom, and to see a tangible reflection of it just confirms the fact and this is right and a good foundation to continue my progress.
-Today was the first day I threw together meals based simply on what was left in the fridge this morning and I am not excited about it. I hard boiled two eggs, but the rest was leftovers pieced into somewhat balanced meals and packed to go to work. I am missing enough fat today, though, and I worry the hunger at 3 PM might creep up on me. Looks like I'll be throwing down in the kitchen tonight to prepare for the rest of the week.
Day 16 (Thursday)
-I just planned my last full week of meals for the Whole 30 (days 21-27). Next meal plan/shopping trip I take will only consist of the last four days plus maybe also the entire bakery section of the grocery store. Just kidding. Maybe.
-In the meantime, I packed hard boiled eggs, radishes, and guacamole for breakfast this morning because I can't bring myself to cook anything else beyond dinner after work. Hoping on Sunday I can bang out some serious prep for next week.
-Oh, look. A lunch meeting at the office, and they ordered pizza. Fan-freaking-tastic.
-Only spent $150 at the grocery store today, but I am so preoccupied with food and the food that we CAN eat that I forgot things like paper towels and toilet paper. And cleaning stuff. Basically anything that is not food, so tack on another $25-$30 to make up for that.
-Not exactly Whole 30-related, but I am really bumming hard about how much less I am able to lift in the gym since my unintentional five-month hiatus. I've had Mike Matthews' book, Thinner Leaner Stronger, downloaded onto my Kindle for the last eight months or so, so I'm looking forward to digging into that and start consistently putting work in at the gym in February.
Day 17 (Friday)
-I have become acutely aware that I need another link removed from my watch. Non-scale victory success!
-I've been filling in my coworkers on my progress throughout the Whole 30, and one of them commented on my lunch today: "I see you've been sticking with this, but I'm wondering for how much longer because you SEEM to be enjoying it, but I can almost hear you screaming internally." Well then. Challenge accepted.
-Someone else at work asked how much weight I've lost since it's apparently noticeable. Another non-scale victory!
-I am taking the girls bowling tonight. Resisting temptation by packing a snack and eating it right before I leave work so I can withstand the pressure of gross bowling alley pizza until I get home to my safe space and beloved tupperware full of compliant foods.
Day 18 (Saturday)
-Today I have cooked three impressive meals. There are so many dishes its exhausting.
-I find it easier to make sure I am getting all my meals in on weekdays. There's just something about packing breakfast and lunch and timing my meals to break up the monotony of the work day that makes it so much easier. Weekends are much harder for me because they are anything BUT monotonous. I didn't eat anything until 2:30 PM today and by the end of preparing lunch I swear the kitchen was starting to tilt sideways. Lesson learned.
-Homemade mayo and ranch dressing happened again today. I have a new respect for mayonnaise--I'm usually totally grossed out by it, but I can use it in so many different ways! AND IT'S SO EASY TO MAKE YOU GUYS.
-I made couscous for the girls to go with dinner tonight and didn't even miss it that much.
Day 19 (Sunday)
-I am supposed to be in the thick of "Tiger Blood," but I spent the majority of my day on the couch, buried under blankets, reading. Maybe it was the rain earlier in the day, maybe it was the fact that it felt like it was -19 degrees outside, but I felt blah and unmotivated until about 4 PM when I finally peeled myself from the couch and decided to be a productive human being.
-I had so much energy last Friday. Is this the equivalent to peaking in high school? TOO SOON.
-Bleeding in the kitchen is happening a lot less frequently now compared to the first week, thanks to my improving knife skills. #ninja
-Feeling extra appreciative for this Whole 30 round because I am creating meals I never in a million years would have attempted before. Last night I made roasted lamb chops. Lamb, in my family, was a once-a-year thing that was reserved only for holidays or special occasions. Making it on a random Sunday felt special. I dig it. Also, Peyton said it was delicious. And then 10 minutes later she told me it was disgusting so I don't know what to believe.
Day 20 (Monday)
-One of my project managers and fellow beer snobs brought me the fruit of his Boston travels (a can of Green IPA from Tree House Brewing Company, HEART EYES) over the weekend with strict instructions that it is for AFTER Whole 30. It now is residing in my refrigerator, waiting for its big moment.
-Walt and I take turns sending each other photos of beautiful, compliant meals we make at home while the other person is sitting at work eating prepped food from sad (but still beloved) tupperware. We are both very pleased with ourselves. Also we are that annoying couple now, aren't we? Whatever. I'm not sorry.
-We have our first non-Whole 30 meal planned...which will actually be on Day 32. We are carrying out this little experiment an extra day so we can enjoy burgers and beers together next Friday when Walt gets done work.
Day 21 (Tuesday)
-Apples are delicious. Who knew?
-I can't believe our Whole 30 will be done by the end of next week. Time went so slowly at first and now I can only assume my body has depleted itself completely of sugar and time is moving as it is supposed to again.
-A giant zit appeared on my face. I made it three weeks with beautiful, glowy Whole 30 skin and I get strapped with a giant cyst on my face in the final lap. Lame.
-I went to the gym at 8:30 last night and again at 5:30 this morning. Tiger blood, is that you?
-The question that keeps getting floated is whether or not I am transitioning everyone to a healthy diet of Hungry Man TV dinners when this is all said and done with. The lack of clean-up and dish-washing seem very appealing.
Go back:
Prep
Day 1
Day 2
Days 3-7
Day 8-14
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
That Time I Went Whole 30: Days 8-14
Today means we are halfway there! Here's a random snippet of stream of consciousness thoughts I've been recording over the last week, for your enjoyment/sympathy:
Day 8 (Wednesday)
-Cravings are almost gone, although the leftover Christmas tin of caramel popcorn in the office kitchen makes me want to exfoliate with the leftover crumbs as I cram kernels down my throat. I should note here that I do not like caramel popcorn. It's just there, though. In my face. I want to throw it out for everyone's sake, but I know it will sit there until February. This is so weird.
-We don't own a scale. I have become pretty anti-scale, focusing more on how my clothes feel and how I feel in general. But...I kind of wish we had a scale. I know it's against the rules to weigh yourself during the 30 days, lay off me. I did take actual measurements to track beginning and end progress, but I can't keep my jeans up and my shirts are definitely feeling looser. I am infinitely curious, but I'll fight the urge to run to Target and buy a scale just so I can be potentially disappointed. I am trusting the process, Whole 30-rule vigilantes, don't worry.
-I showed Walt how badly my hands are drying out and cracking due to all the hot and heavy dish washing action. "You have old lady hands," he tells me. He must have forgotten these old lady hands spent three straight hours in the kitchen tonight. Silly.
Day 9 (Thursday)
-I find myself annoyed with how much money I am spending on groceries, even with pretty serious planning, list making, and a fire burning deep within me to minimize the amount of food we waste as a household. We dropped $100 at Whole Foods on Tuesday; I spent another $175 today at Shop Rite. Apparently we are still within the average range to feed a family of four during the week on a "liberal" plan...but still. My wallet doth protest too much.
-"I'd eat that," I say, about every gross food commercial I see on TV.
-Peyton has stopped threatening to move out due to the number of times we ate some variation of chicken for dinner this week. I did make pot roast for dinner tonight. This is progress.
-Walt reports that I am getting a reputation at his job based on the food he is bringing in each day because we are #fancyAF. He said one of his coworkers pictures me as the put-together soccer mom in heels. That could not be further from the truth, but I am flattered nonetheless. Let it be known that I will never drive a minivan, however.
Day 10 (Friday)
-I have a freakish amount of energy.
-Walt almost licked a spoon full of non-compliant mayo this morning as we were making lunches for the girls. Like, mindlessly cleaning off the spoon with his mouth. Except it was full of mayonnaise. "Oh God!" he says, "I was just about to wreck my Whole 30 and vomit all at the same time."
-"Wanna join the gym on Sunday?" was an actual question uttered in the house today. Is this what hope feels like?
Day 11 (Saturday)
-I am starting to get tired of thinking about food. Meal planning. Meal prepping. Cooking. Cleaning it up. What my next meal is going to be. We have never eaten so well, but I sense potential burnout on the horizon. Perhaps I'll throw a couple of simple weeknight dinners into the mix or start relying a little more heavily on my crockpot.
-According to the Whole 30 timeline, days 10 and 11 are the "hardest days." Except it doesn't feel that way. It feels like stone-cold, blunt acceptance and it doesn't feel terrible, either. What a whirlwind of emotions this week has been already.
-Spending meal times away from the comfort of my home or my office lunch bag is frustrating. We spent the day at Grounds for Sculpture today, and while their food is delicious and skews to the healthier side...there wasn't a lot we could eat that would have been compliant. Packed jerky and RX bars to the rescue.
Day 12 (Sunday)
-This is it. If I make it past today, this will be the farthest I've made it in previous attempts at dominating Whole 30.
-We joined the gym! Today I practiced some restraint at going all in since I haven't worked out consistently in months. Very disappointed at the downsize in weight I can throw around, but looking forward to building strength and momentum back up. There is also a scale at the gym, so I can NOT buy one to keep at home now.
-The Eagles lost to the Saints, which is sad. What was not sad were the spicy Thai wings, homemade cilantro ranch, stuffed mushrooms, plantain chips + guac, and kombucha mocktails we brought to enjoy at my aunt and uncle's while everyone else ate mac and cheese and other things I would have enjoyed eating, but didn't miss thanks to planning ahead. #win
-Walt is ending his Whole 30 experiment on the 26th, thanks to an event he had already purchased tickets for which involves eating wings and drinking beer. I am slightly jealous, but feeling motivated to finish this out.
Day 13 (Monday)
-I made it! This is uncharted territory for me.
-So sore today. So very, very sore.
-Food boredom is real. Packing food for work is starting to feel like a chore I'd rather not do. But my skin! The energy! Sleep quality!
-Time seems to be slowing down. Is it because we've entered the very worst part of winter, or is it because sugar actually makes time faster?
Day 14 (Tuesday)
-I was up and at the gym by 5:15 this morning. I don't even know who I am anymore.
-We're almost halfway there and I find myself thinking about what happens on Day 31. I think what I miss the most is the OPTION to make a bad decision. Like yeah, I know bagels are bad for me and are definitely best enjoyed in moderation...but I also know a toasted bagel with an egg and bacon and maybe some melty cheese crammed between those doughy slices is straight-up delicious. I know food freedom is intended to come AFTER the Whole 30, but I'm wondering if subjecting ourselves to this for 30 days is worth it. I am, admittedly, feeling a little salty.
-Walt has planned a bender after we finish that consists of getting bagels from our favorite new breakfast joint that gives me all the heart eyes, Dead End Bakehouse, followed by Duck Donuts, and then topping it off with a stop at our favorite brewery. I'm starting to wonder how we'd feel at the end of that day. Probably terrible. Would it be worth it? Possibly. (also, if you are also on this Whole 30 journey, I am not sorry about those links)
-I just realized that our first weekend sans Whole 30 rules will be Super Bowl weekend. Am I going to be that weirdo that brings buffalo cauliflower to a football event? I'm thinking yes.
-I had an epiphany that maybe today is my Day 10 and 11. Time is, in fact, all a mess.
-Apparently Tiger Blood is in the cards for next week. Or, at least, I hope so. I know I seem like I'm whining a lot, but I am actually feeling pretty good.
Is it possible to feel even better?
[cue TV commercial voice]
TUNE IN TO FIND OUT.
(I'm the worst.)
Go back:
Prep
Day 1
Day 2
Days 3-7
Day 8 (Wednesday)
-Cravings are almost gone, although the leftover Christmas tin of caramel popcorn in the office kitchen makes me want to exfoliate with the leftover crumbs as I cram kernels down my throat. I should note here that I do not like caramel popcorn. It's just there, though. In my face. I want to throw it out for everyone's sake, but I know it will sit there until February. This is so weird.
-We don't own a scale. I have become pretty anti-scale, focusing more on how my clothes feel and how I feel in general. But...I kind of wish we had a scale. I know it's against the rules to weigh yourself during the 30 days, lay off me. I did take actual measurements to track beginning and end progress, but I can't keep my jeans up and my shirts are definitely feeling looser. I am infinitely curious, but I'll fight the urge to run to Target and buy a scale just so I can be potentially disappointed. I am trusting the process, Whole 30-rule vigilantes, don't worry.
-I showed Walt how badly my hands are drying out and cracking due to all the hot and heavy dish washing action. "You have old lady hands," he tells me. He must have forgotten these old lady hands spent three straight hours in the kitchen tonight. Silly.
Day 9 (Thursday)
-I find myself annoyed with how much money I am spending on groceries, even with pretty serious planning, list making, and a fire burning deep within me to minimize the amount of food we waste as a household. We dropped $100 at Whole Foods on Tuesday; I spent another $175 today at Shop Rite. Apparently we are still within the average range to feed a family of four during the week on a "liberal" plan...but still. My wallet doth protest too much.
-"I'd eat that," I say, about every gross food commercial I see on TV.
-Peyton has stopped threatening to move out due to the number of times we ate some variation of chicken for dinner this week. I did make pot roast for dinner tonight. This is progress.
-Walt reports that I am getting a reputation at his job based on the food he is bringing in each day because we are #fancyAF. He said one of his coworkers pictures me as the put-together soccer mom in heels. That could not be further from the truth, but I am flattered nonetheless. Let it be known that I will never drive a minivan, however.
Day 10 (Friday)
-I have a freakish amount of energy.
-Walt almost licked a spoon full of non-compliant mayo this morning as we were making lunches for the girls. Like, mindlessly cleaning off the spoon with his mouth. Except it was full of mayonnaise. "Oh God!" he says, "I was just about to wreck my Whole 30 and vomit all at the same time."
-"Wanna join the gym on Sunday?" was an actual question uttered in the house today. Is this what hope feels like?
Day 11 (Saturday)
-I am starting to get tired of thinking about food. Meal planning. Meal prepping. Cooking. Cleaning it up. What my next meal is going to be. We have never eaten so well, but I sense potential burnout on the horizon. Perhaps I'll throw a couple of simple weeknight dinners into the mix or start relying a little more heavily on my crockpot.
-According to the Whole 30 timeline, days 10 and 11 are the "hardest days." Except it doesn't feel that way. It feels like stone-cold, blunt acceptance and it doesn't feel terrible, either. What a whirlwind of emotions this week has been already.
-Spending meal times away from the comfort of my home or my office lunch bag is frustrating. We spent the day at Grounds for Sculpture today, and while their food is delicious and skews to the healthier side...there wasn't a lot we could eat that would have been compliant. Packed jerky and RX bars to the rescue.
Day 12 (Sunday)
-This is it. If I make it past today, this will be the farthest I've made it in previous attempts at dominating Whole 30.
-We joined the gym! Today I practiced some restraint at going all in since I haven't worked out consistently in months. Very disappointed at the downsize in weight I can throw around, but looking forward to building strength and momentum back up. There is also a scale at the gym, so I can NOT buy one to keep at home now.
-The Eagles lost to the Saints, which is sad. What was not sad were the spicy Thai wings, homemade cilantro ranch, stuffed mushrooms, plantain chips + guac, and kombucha mocktails we brought to enjoy at my aunt and uncle's while everyone else ate mac and cheese and other things I would have enjoyed eating, but didn't miss thanks to planning ahead. #win
-Walt is ending his Whole 30 experiment on the 26th, thanks to an event he had already purchased tickets for which involves eating wings and drinking beer. I am slightly jealous, but feeling motivated to finish this out.
Day 13 (Monday)
-I made it! This is uncharted territory for me.
-So sore today. So very, very sore.
-Food boredom is real. Packing food for work is starting to feel like a chore I'd rather not do. But my skin! The energy! Sleep quality!
-Time seems to be slowing down. Is it because we've entered the very worst part of winter, or is it because sugar actually makes time faster?
Day 14 (Tuesday)
-I was up and at the gym by 5:15 this morning. I don't even know who I am anymore.
-We're almost halfway there and I find myself thinking about what happens on Day 31. I think what I miss the most is the OPTION to make a bad decision. Like yeah, I know bagels are bad for me and are definitely best enjoyed in moderation...but I also know a toasted bagel with an egg and bacon and maybe some melty cheese crammed between those doughy slices is straight-up delicious. I know food freedom is intended to come AFTER the Whole 30, but I'm wondering if subjecting ourselves to this for 30 days is worth it. I am, admittedly, feeling a little salty.
 |
| My thoughts exactly. |
-Walt has planned a bender after we finish that consists of getting bagels from our favorite new breakfast joint that gives me all the heart eyes, Dead End Bakehouse, followed by Duck Donuts, and then topping it off with a stop at our favorite brewery. I'm starting to wonder how we'd feel at the end of that day. Probably terrible. Would it be worth it? Possibly. (also, if you are also on this Whole 30 journey, I am not sorry about those links)
-I just realized that our first weekend sans Whole 30 rules will be Super Bowl weekend. Am I going to be that weirdo that brings buffalo cauliflower to a football event? I'm thinking yes.
-I had an epiphany that maybe today is my Day 10 and 11. Time is, in fact, all a mess.
-Apparently Tiger Blood is in the cards for next week. Or, at least, I hope so. I know I seem like I'm whining a lot, but I am actually feeling pretty good.
Is it possible to feel even better?
[cue TV commercial voice]
TUNE IN TO FIND OUT.
(I'm the worst.)
Go back:
Prep
Day 1
Day 2
Days 3-7
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