So, I'm Turning 30.

I'm turning 30 in three weeks. Which is weird, because a lot of people struggle with 30 and I feel like it's a rite of passage to be all #OMGTURNING30, but I'm feeling kind of alright about it. More than alright, I think.

I HAD been feeling some kind of way because last year a newly 29-year old me wrote out a 30 Before 30 List and I've been avoiding looking at it because a.) my birthday is rapidly approaching and b.) I was afraid to look at the list because I thought it would show me a list of ways I had failed in the last 365 days.  

This list was terrifying because I thought it would only serve as a reminder that my life at 30 is drastically different than I had pictured it at this time last year, but for all the wrong reasons. I am pretty sure no one puts "get divorced" and "move in with mom" on their bucket lists.

I'd look at line items like "Update our kitchen." and cringe because--well, I don't have a kitchen of my own right now. Date nights with my husband once a month? Ouch. (Also, as an aside to myself: when you list your goals and refer to them as "line items," merely items with which to be dealt, you have a problem.) 

Goals unmet. 

Self-imposed expectations forgotten.

I thought it would be like a thousand tiny razors cutting and tearing me down, line by line.

My inner perfectionist was raging in disappointment. My outer self was hurting with inadequacy.

So, I opened the list. I looked at it. Yep, I had failed on a few fronts. But! I also found growth. I found potential. And I found it in the places that mattered. My faith--restored. My sense of self-worth--slowly returning, after dwindling for SO long. My strength--both physical and mental--building.

Life is not about check marks. Life is not about setting a goal, reaching it, and then moving onto the next goal (although that is FUN). For me, a life made of lists is dumb because you are only setting yourself up for disappointment. I spent the better part of my 20s in list mode. Boxes to be checked. Always reaching for the next level. Having my ducks in a row.

Check

Check

Check

Reach

Reach

Reach

And then all those boxes I had been checking and the things I was reaching for seemed so silly because HELLO, the version of my life last year is so drastically different than it is right now. And guess what? That is OKAY.

I find myself in the trap of thinking a lot about how I am going to live life in this next decade when everything I've known is turned upside down. And then I have to remind myself to chill the heck out because next year is going to look different in a thousand different ways. I need to stop thinking five-year plan for now. Heck, I need to stop thinking six-month plan. It's exhausting and I'm creating my own self-sabotage by shackling myself to what I think NEEDS to happen.

The fear of NOT meeting expectations--my own expectations, in particular--is not something I am consciously choosing to carry with me into my 30s. Don't get me wrong, I think reasonable expectations and goals are healthy--but putting more weight into them than needed is what brings the disappointment and shame of not being enough.

Spoiler alert: I am enough. I am worthy of all good things, even when my to-do list tells me I am a failure.

What is my life going to look like? I'm not sure what God has in store for me, but I do know I can do the following while I listen to Him:

Refuse to settle (I know, this sounds kind of against everything I just wrote, but I mean this in the sense that I shouldn't settle on things because I know what I'm worth).

Be bold.

Love blindly.

Take risks.

Grow in faith.

Know that self-care isn't selfish.

And really--how beautiful is it that I can start a brand new decade of life on earth with a brand new beginning?

I'm feeling the buzz of uncertainty, but it feels more like joy than fear.