That Time I Got a Tattoo

If you ran into me last week, you'd probably assume that I was up to my ears in an early mid-life crisis. 

Joined a small group personal training gym. 

Went out with a girlfriend on Saturday night and stayed out until 2:00 AM. 

Got a tattoo.

I am tired just recounting all of it here. By Sunday night I was begging for the sweet release of bedtime and I could barely keep my little old eyeballs open on Monday afternoon. 

But anyway, I got a tattoo.

Brand new--after I unwrapped it on Saturday night.

This isn't my first tattoo (it's my third), but this one might be my most favorite yet because it speaks volumes to me at this particular time in my life, but will also serve as a good (read: permanent) reminder when the dust of this storm has settled a bit.

You see, I have a tendency to need to be in control of all. the. things. My schedule, how my time is spent, my emotions, situations--maybe I should say it's less of a "control" thing and more of a "have a grasp" thing. I like to know what's coming. I like to know that I know what next Tuesday at 6 PM will look like. I like that security.

Curveballs are not my favorite.

Which is why I find it so incredibly ironic that I am being pitched curveball after curveball and I am swinging blindly. And it is not pretty.

There have been tears. There has been anger. There has been a whole world of hurting. And I am hacking away, trying to get through the mess I'm in, and not really taking the time to steady myself and fix my eyes where they belong.

I need to be still. I need to know who is in control (and it's not me!).

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. - Exodus 14:14 (NIV)

He says, "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." - Psalm 46:10 (NIV)

And then back to the beginning of Psalm 46: God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging." (Psalm 46:1-3, NIV)

These verses give me a lot of peace. And remind me that God is so awesome, because He's a fighter. No mountains crumbling, depths of the oceans, or something as silly (in the grand scheme of things) as divorce gives me no cause for fear. I don't have to fight. It's not my place. But God? God is so awesome because when there's trouble, God's got this--I just need to take a second, breathe, and quit my own bumbling and fumbling and fix my eyes where they belong--on Him.

Coffee Date Friday {#4}

Happy Friday, friends!

I am over here breathing a big sigh of relief that it is FINALLY Friday! For a birthday week, it was the opposite of fun times--I have to admit. But that's okay because Friday is here and I could plant big wet kisses on both of its cheeks if Friday was a person.

Aaaaaanyway. That got awkward.

Onto Coffee Date Friday! This is the day I get to catch you up on all things fun and exciting in my life. I'd love to hear what's going on with you, too!

If we were on a Coffee Date...

...I'd be expressing my excitement over the fact that it is finally baseball season, baby! I love all things baseball and all things Philadelphia Phillies, so I am extra jazzed to be going to a game next Sunday! Nothing says Spring is here and Summer is around the corner quite like baseball on TV (almost) every day.

...I'd tell you all about my reading of "It Starts With Food".

I feel like everyone and their mom knows about the Whole 30 by now, but I've never really dug into the science-y stuff behind it. I picked up this book last week and I am almost done--which has spurred my decision to give my own Whole 30 a whirl. I've got some skin issues and digestive discomfort going on and I'm curious to see if REALLY cleaning up my diet will help. I eat fairly healthy now, but cutting out gluten and dairy might be the key. When is my Whole 30? I'm thinking maybe starting the last week of April so I can wrap it up before the Memorial Day Weekend festivities hit hard.

...I'd tell you all about my newest venture in physical fitness, which may or may not be totally cancelling out one of my April goals (already). I signed up for small group personal training for the month of April and I've been going 4x a week at (wait for it) 5 AM on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and at 8 AM on Saturday. Waking up that early is so brutal and I haven't been able to walk right for a few days, but it is SO nice to switch up my workout routine for the month. Whether or not I decide to continue on with it after this month is up in the air as I'd have to make some serious room for it in my budget, but so far I am feeling pretty good! And a major bonus: it is so good for blowing off some stress-related steam that I seem to be carrying around constantly lately.

...I'd probably also complain about how I preordered by copy of Looking for Lovely: Collecting the Moments That Matter on March 21 via Amazon, the book was released on Tuesday....and I have to wait until next week for it to be delivered. This is what I get for choosing to not renew my Amazon Prime membership. This is Amazon karma, I know it. Pssssst....it's not too late to sign up for the Book Club! The book has been released, but we aren't reading and discussing until May. Order it now and join in with us on May 1 for discussion throughout the month plus physical and virtual meet-ups!

That's it out of me this week! You're turn:

• Do you like baseball? What's your favorite sport?
• How much do you love Amazon Prime? It's a lot, I know.

To You, On Your 30th Birthday

Dear Me,

Happy birthday, beautiful! Today you turn 30.

I'm sorry your birthday isn't the big, glamorous shebang you thought it would be.

I'm also sorry that you sound like a totally selfish jerk because you expected a big, glamorous shebang.

I hope that when you reflect on this particular birthday, you are reminded of how many people love you and truly cherish you--instead of the only temporary hurt you are experiencing right now. I know the hurt seems profound and it's easy to dwell on that, but remember that this is fleeting. You know who is in your corner. You know the crazy amount of support and love behind you is everlasting.

10 years ago...did you ever think on your 30th birthday you'd wake up to a smiley almost-5 year old? No? Well, congrats, Mama--because you hit the offspring jackpot with that sassy little girl of yours. Remember that unconditional love. Tuck it away in your heart.

10 years ago...did you ever think you'd be capable of the things you are doing right now? No? Well, congrats, you--because you are doing them. You are pretty okay at adulting.

Other things I want you to remember:

FOMO is not a real thing.
Smile a little more during the tough times.
Take a deep breath. You've got this.
Persevere. God has something bigger.
Keep on keepin' on with that new mantra of self-love. Do things for you.
Do things for others, not out of necessity, but because it feels good to do good things.
Go buy that red lipstick already.

And above all else, keep your faith.

And keep your head up.

You are worthy. You are loved.

xoxo forever,

Me.

April Goals

Woohoo, it's April! It's my birthday month, Spring is in full swing, and summer is not too far behind! April is always a happy month for me because I feel like the gloom and doom I feel all winter is finally lifted and there are always so many wonderful things to look forward to.

I've set some pretty fun goals this month as I continue to focus inward. But first, a look at how I did with my March goals:

Run 3x/week. Eh, not so much. My 25 mile goal was not even close to being met.

But hey! Still significantly better than my old track record...which was 0 miles.

Read my Bible every day. I'm going to give myself a 9/10 on this one. My time spent in the word is alwaaaaaays a guaranteed way to lift my spirits and center myself in truth. While I didn't necessarily journal my study every day, I would spend some time in my car during my lunch break with my handy dandy Bible app and read. I'd jot down scriptures that spoke to me. I'd pray over them. Bible study in your car is certainly not glamorous, but it doesn't have to be.

Do one thing for me each week. I did my nails one week. A fresh mani always helps. The Essie gel-look top coat is my new favorite thing ever, because it is so SHINY.

I also started reading "Wild in the Hollow" by Amber Haines. I haven't finished it yet, but it is so good. Looking forward to finishing it up by the end of April...just in time for the book club to start up again! My Kindle has never seen so much action.

Do one FUN thing with Peyton each week. This one was a success!

We took walks. We pulled out our coloring books and doodled. We dyed eggs for Easter. We snuggled. It was amazing, made me slow down, and allowed me to feel less like a total drag of a mom during the week. Being forced to slow down and be intentional made such a difference.

Blog newsletter. I'm still working on that. It is getting closer!

And now....

Be (nicely) selfish.

I'm not going to lie, I am probably going to be selfish this month. I am going to say no to things I don't want to do (that aren't necessary). I am going to be more closely in-tune with what I need or want--and act accordingly. I'm not going to rude about it--but I am going to be more intentional about stretching myself too thin and over-committing.

Run. For real this time.

And pair it with workouts I enjoy doing on non-run days--not what I feel like I need to be doing. I think I pooped out last month because I was trying to do. all. the. things. Running three times a week, trying to build up to a 5k when 0k was more my pace PLUS maintaining my normal workout schedule. The result? Everything imploded and I wound up taking two weeks off of everything because I just couldn't maintain it. This month I am going to focus on the running only, and on the days I feel like doing a little extra I am going to throw in some CIZE workouts. I loooove dancing, it makes me feel like a rockstar, and it doesn't even feel like work.

Get creative.

I used to be creative. I used to make things with my hands all the time. Jewelry. Things for the home. DIY art. I loved it. Time to get started again, except this time I want to step outside of my comfort zone exploring things I hadn't tried before. Each month for three months I am going to work on tackling different art forms I might not have considered before. Art for April? Hand-lettering!

Make counseling a priority.

I've been seeing a counselor since February. I'm fairly open about it with family and friends, but it's been such a huge blessing to me I am going to share more openly about my experience. For the last couple of months I've been rescheduling or cancelling appointments altogether, but this month I want to make those appointments a priority. I'm at the stage right now where I've acknowledged and dealt the the initial grief of my divorce, I'm accepting and recovering from what I've experienced in my marriage and all the yucky feelings associated with it, and now we are working more on me. I am really looking forward to breakthroughs and things to come!

So there you have it! I'd love to hear about your goals this month--feel free to drop them in the comments!