After my divorce, I had never felt more lonely.
On the weekdays I had Peyton with me, but getting accustomed to my new role as a single mom was a sharp slap in the face. The days of another parent handling bath time and bedtime while I cleaned up dinner were no longer a reality. And now there was homework and activities to worry about.
On those weekdays, I was busy. There was no time to consider any other frame of mind.
But the weekends. Oh, those weekends. How I loathed them.
Peyton goes with her dad three weekends a month. From after school on Friday until 7 PM Sunday, she's all his. At first I had a very, very hard time adapting to this.
You never realize how much motherhood changes you until you don't have a child around. Of all the things I considered about becoming a single mom, it never occurred to me I'd have to learn how to be a single person.
The first month or two of weekends was crippling. No Peyton to tuck in on Friday night. No Peyton to have breakfast with on Saturday morning. No playdates. No nighttime snuggles.
Her dad was getting all of those things, sure--and I will be the first person to agree that she needs her dad in her life. But I was a little resentful because I felt like my identity had been ripped away from me and I didn't know how to react.
I was downright lonely, and it sucked. The magnitude of choosing to end my marriage had set in, and it set in HARD. Even though I was married to a mentally abusive man and felt emotionally lonely, being physically alone felt completely foreign and difficult.
I felt depressed at the idea of calling up my mom friends. They were busy parenting and I was busy feeling sorry for myself.
I felt depressed at the idea of calling up my single friends. I wasn't quite prepared to go out and attempt mingling.
So I sat at home and wallowed in my own self-perceived inadequacies.
SPOILER ALERT: I don't recommend this. It's not very fun.
Eventually, I realized that yes--during the week I am a single mom. My daughter is my first and foremost priority.
But the most amazing thing gets to happen on the weekends: I get to figure out who I am. This is where the magic happens.
I can read books--and I can read as long as I want with no interruptions.
I can catch up on current events.
I can go on a hike.
I can go to the gym.
I can learn a new skill.
I can pick up a new hobby.
I can pick up an old hobby.
I can try a new experience.
I can revel in my flexible schedule.
I can watch a documentary on Netflix without anyone rolling their eyes or demanding My Little Pony instead.
I can take a nap.
I can go see a movie that I actually wanted to see--and have no problem sitting in a theater alone.
I can stay out until 2:00 AM and not have to worry about morning parenting duty (another spoiler alert: the next morning is still not very fun).
What makes ME tick? I had no clue until I left my husband. The silver lining to those "lonely" weekends was finding out who I am. It just took some time to find my groove.
I got reacquainted with myself. And it turns out I am a pretty cool person AND a pretty cool mom.
