The One Where I Got the IUD

So. yesterday I got an IUD.

Glad I can say I did it because I can assure you it will never happen again. When it's time to remove it in five years they can just leave it where it is and take my entire uterus out of my body because I am NOT having that thing dragged back through my cervix.

No way.
No how.
GTFO.

After talking with my OB/GYN regarding my Lynch Syndrome diagnosis, my reproductive plans, and potential future prophylactic surgical options, she kindly brought up the fact that there has been some research suggesting that a hormonal IUD can, in fact, help prevent cancer. She made the suggestion that I should maybe consider getting one and keeping it until I either decide to have another baby or have my hysterectomy/oopherectomy.

Well then. Sign me up. Anything to help prevent cancer when the odds are so stacked against me as it is. So I made another appointment for a few weeks away for a brand new Mirena and went on my merry way.

The very premise of no-effort, long-term birth control is amazing. The idea of maybe not having a period: also amazing. I'd literally lay on my back for five minutes and walk out with five years of baby protection AND the added benefit of shorter, lighter, maybe non-existent periods, and maybe even a chance my uterus would not give in to my pesky cancer gene.

This is the part where the rosy glow starts to wear off a little bit.

I had done some research on first-person accounts of the insertion procedure itself. Reports varied, to say the very least. Some people claimed it was NBD. Others claimed the pain was horrendous.

However, I KNEW I could handle it. I was in non-medicated labor for almost 12 hours with Peyton until I caved and got an epidural, and then I got myself cut open hip to hip and had a small person forcibly removed from my body. I could handle a little bit of cramping. This would be a breeze.

The day of my appointment. I was mentally prepared. I took a couple of ibuprofen an hour before my appointment. I knew what to expect--and then once I got there my doctor was like "yeeeeeeah, we're going to talk more about your cancer risks and then let's go ahead and do a biopsy instead today before we put this plastic inside your uterus." He did the biopsy, and then rescheduled my IUD insertion for later in the week.

And that was the first day in one week my cervix was breached and my uterus was violated.

The morning of my rescheduled appointment I forgot to take my ibuprofen, but now I know it would have done NOTHING. Literally, zero. A horse tranquilizer would have maybe helped a little bit better.

Once I was comfortably resting on my back, feet a-stirruped and pried open with what I can only describe as the mother of all speculums (speculi?), my doctor said, "Okay, quick pinch."

Friends, that was not a pinch. It might has well have been a swarm of angry hornets blasting through my cervix.

"Two more quick pinches."

And then I unleashed all the expletives and questioned every motive I had to get this devil's contraption put inside of my body. No babies? No periods? No cancer? Who gives a crap.

Literally it was maybe 90 seconds of pain, but WHAT THE HELL. It felt like my uterus has been sucker punched. Repeatedly.

Any procedure done while I am still awake that causes me to break out in a cold, clammy sweat and threaten vomit that is NOT childbirth...is not a procedure for me.

I have never been so betrayed by a tiny piece of plastic before.

I decided that I could handle the remainder of the work day, but to be honest--I must have blacked out on the way to the office because one minute I'm in my car and the next minute I was sitting down at my desk, grasping the edge of it with white knuckles and grimacing through the pain that I was FINE. This is fine. I'll be fine.

But instead I was 99% sure that my body was doing everything in its power to push that tiny little T-shape out of my uterus and back to hell where it belongs. So I texted my mom, my sister, my friends, and my boyfriend that I thought I was dying and started saying my goodbyes.

Today I woke up and I felt fine. So anti-climactic.

Was the pain worth it? I guess we'll find out.

So yeah, I got my Mirena.



{Pssssst....donate to Planned Parenthood here}