Intention: Fearfully & Wonderfully Made

I am a perfectionist.

Scratch that.

I am a fearful perfectionist.

A perfectionist in that I strive to be my best person, put out my best work, and really--be the best.

It's hard--especially because I certainly am NOT always the best. It's a hard pill to swallow accepting you can't be the best at everything, even when you want to be.

A fearful perfectionist in that I sometimes find myself completely paralyzed at moving forward in fear of doing something wrong, failing, making a mistake, etc. If I'm not going to do it 100% right and know 100% of things to know about whatever it is that I'm doing, I am not doing it. I hesitate under I am sure I know everything there is to know or learn before jumping in.

One failure, slip-up, or disappointment is enough to shake my confidence for weeks and set me back several steps.

I have been spending so much time trying to cultivate my weaknesses and turn them into strengths that I was failing to allow my God-given strengths to shine.

And on the other side, I find myself constantly playing the comparison game. If I didn't reach my goal before someone else, I didn't get something that someone else has been blessed with, or WHATEVER...I start to feeling twinges of bitterness, resentment, and disappointment with myself.

It's icky.

One truth I am learning to embrace is that my Creator put me on this earth for a purpose. 
He has endowed me with certain skills. 

He has a greater plan for me than anything I could possibly come up with. 

God makes no mistakes. 

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14 (NIV)

He designed me a certain way before I even existed, gave me strengths and weaknesses, and knew me before my own parents knew me.

So why do I keep fighting against the weakness He has established within me instead of focusing on the strengths with which he has blessed me?

I am blessed with unique gifts.

I am blessed with my own strengths.

My weaknesses are there for a reason.

There are complexities of my reality that He knows and I haven't even figured out yet.

I am who I am as my Father has created me.

I am His daughter, and he loves me as I am, and am beautiful in his sight--because it was His design for me.

Here's another crashing revelation, light bulb, a-ha moment, etc.: there is no such thing as perfect. Therefore, perfectionism is irrelevant in my life. 

There was one, true, perfect human being, and that was Jesus. I can try to be perfect like he was, but I know now that my version of perfect and His are sooooo different. 

The comparison game and my own self-generated feelings of inadequacy, shame, and hurt? 

My own products.

The desire to master my weaknesses, searching for perfection, and coming up short instead of using my strengths to glorify God? 

My doing.

It's time to focus less on me, my, and mine and more on His, Him, those blessings, and His unfailing love and grace.

This week I am giving thanks to God for making me who I am, how I am, and what I am. I pray that He will use me and my strengths in a way that pleases Him and brings glory to His kingdom, and focus on building others up instead of tearing myself down. May I remain obedient to His calling and know that I am equipped with unique strengths and weaknesses just the way He meant to be.